Why wont my cat just stop screwing around and talk to me?

I've had this same dilemma. My cat won't believe me either. I've tried everything from promising treats, milk, tuna, to even worshipping her like the Egyptians. The closest I have ever come to getting her to speak is when I picked her up by the tail and I swear I heard a quiet "hey!". However, she attacked me so I never did that again. I am afraid she will never talk to me.